A new life with luxury vehicles, cash

We’re just letting you know that this will be the last Beside the Point.  Apparently I’ve won $20 million and a brand new Rolls Royce! I don’t use exclamation points either, so you know this is a big deal. A mentor of mine once said we get seven exclamation points in our career and I’ve got a few to spare, but a brand new Rolls Royce rolling the brand new streets of Bus. 61 in Fort Madison - I’m gonna be the dawg. I think some fur vests and leather pants are in order. Maybe even that Charlie Brown with a sunflower tatoo on my arm. Man, that’s gonna hurt, though.
$20 million just dropped into my lap... I can’t believe this good fortune. PCC sports guru John Bohnenkamp said if he ever won the lottery, he was building a dome with turf for the Bloodhound football team. I guess I may have just beat him to the punch.
And the crazier thing is this was in my junk mail. Can you believe that? And it wasn’t in there just once, it was in there three freakin’ times. They really want to give me this $20 million and a luxury ride.
I mean, I’ve hit a slot machine every now and then, but I had to go to the damn casino to get it done. This was literally in my junk mail.
And the email even goes out of its way to make things easier for me. It read - and I’m copying and pasting here: “In other to make it easier for you to use your funds and also enable you to have a full control over your funds and I can vividly tell you that I arrived in your city yesterday but due to it was late I decided to contact you today for the delivery.”
What? This Scott Henry was in town and didn’t look me up for dinner at Turnwater? I mean, apparently, he has a fully loaded ATM Master Card with daily withdrawal limits – get this – of $50,000 per day. I would assume that’s only until the $20 million is fully expended, but who knows, right? 
The contest was done through the "randomly selection of emails and phone numbers” and apparently, I am very lucky to be among the lucky selected lucky winners.
Go figure.
Luck has never been my strong suit. I even think Funk and Wagnel is considering adding my photo to Chuck Luck under the definition of slang for - no luck at all.
All the stuff that has darkened my skies over the past five years and $20 million just drops in my lap... I think I’ll just donate the Rolls to charity after squeeling tires on Avenue G just once. I'll buy another F150, since mine is being held hostage in Marion, Illinois for $3,000. Insurance company has said they won’t pay anymore on the claim because the additional costs being submitted by the dealership aren't necessary.
Now mind you, I just stopped to get gas in town there in July and somehow the fuel distributor to the gas station inadvertently put diesel in the unleaded supply tank. I mean, you know, I shouldn’t have been there getting gas in the first place. How many other places could I have stopped? 
But now with this random infusion of life-changing cash from Rolls-Royce Automobile Headquarters I don’t have to worry about the cost of these repairs that I must obviously share in because of my bladder and fuel gauge.
The dealership won’t release the truck until they are paid. My insurance company is balking at the cost, the insurance company that insured the fuel distributor is waiting for my insurance company to subrogate the claim, and I’m racking up daily rental charges because my per claim allowance for rental coverage was maxed out about three weeks ago.
I’m just soooo over the moon thankful that this $20 million has found its way to me because now I don’t have to worry about this ridiculous insurance claim anymore. I mean, after 10 weeks of having a rental and my truck sitting on a lot about 90 minutes southeast of St. Louis, it was just what my pocketbook needed.
Thank you Rolls Royce, and Scott Henry. Yes, I will follow the instructions in the email to get back with you with my full name, full address, and phone number so you can call. I’m sure you just need my social security number and routing number, my life insurance information, my retirement account login and password, all of which I will have at the ready.
Oh….wait, there are other emails, too. Ope, apparently my PayPal account has just purchased $489.95 in bitcoin. Well, that was easy. I thought I had to solve math problems and digitally mine for that stuff with a bruteforce computer that sounds like a jet landing in my office to even have a one-in-a-million shot at finding bitcoin. And here I just bought some with my PayPal account. Boy….my luck. Thank you Owen Wallace! Can you believe my filter is calling this junk? Whose algorithm screwed that up? It seems Madalyn McDonald, Ruth Kelly, and Gavin Bower made the same bitcoin purchase with my account. I don’t even know these people and they're mining bitcoin for me. I’m just overly blessed. With all that and the $20 million I think I’m going to pay for an inground pool at my brother John’s house. The timing here is perfect, because I’ve been razzing him about that for months now.
My good friend Trent Brynn emailed on Wednesday telling me my Wells Fargo application has been successfully submitted to – “the exchange”. I’m glad he’s working on my behalf because apparently he was able to get $250 blocked on my account and he wants me to call to straighten it all out. I’m on it, Trent.
Welp, I should go because Rolls Royce’s rep is apparently in town after arriving late Wednesday. Scott Henry, my house isn’t hard to find, so stop by. I’m typically up very late studying satire. Just knock on the door - so I can deliver some punches to your midsection and heave you off my porch. Unless of course, you have a debit card with $20 million loaded on it. – But that’s Beside the Point.
Chuck Vandenberg is editor and co-owner of Pen City Current and can be reached at Charles.V@PenCityCurrent.com.