Antagonist pays a 4 a.m. visit

I’m writing this early Saturday morning at about 6:30 a.m. I wanted to write it Friday night after the NFL draft, but I stared at blank screen for literally 15 minutes before slamming shut the little metallic MacBook that is my best friend and worst enemy.
I rolled over frustrated and put on the West Wing. I can put that series on, and I’m not exaggerating here, close my eyes and know every single word that comes out of my phone.
But that didn’t happen, I fell quickly asleep and then woke at 4 a.m., and couldn’t get back to sleep. I think it’s because I was sleeping away from home at my brother’s house in a bed I’m probably overstaying my use of. If we cook out and have early plans on Saturday, I usually just stay over. His house is larger than mine and, if his kids are home, I like to be close by. My brother John (that sounds Biblical as I write it) is empty nesting a bit with both kids at school, so I think he and Susie get a little bored. If you know that family, you get it.
So here I am at 4 a.m. with the ceiling fan going. It’s comfortably dark and breezy, and if there was a thunderstorm happening it would be perfect for sleeping. No thunderstorm. And the weird anxiety that has enveloped me for the last five years started to creep in like the skinny antagonist of a horror movie. You know the one that always dresses a little punk, is nonsensically frail, has a tilted gaze, and a broken smile. Yeah – that dude.
It has to do with the darkness and how my mind has compartmentalized my life over the past five years.
This used to completely wig me out. And I mean full on, call the ambulance….as Redd Foxx’s Fred Sandford used to say, “this is the big one”. Sweat, rapid heartbeat, chest tightening, shaky hands, constant checking of my pulse rate at the carotid, pacing, stretching, arms above my head.
I’ve kept some prescriptions close at hand for more than five years now for just this reason. I had them with me early Saturday morning, but I didn’t even think about them. Now with the help of Mike Maher at Counseling Associates, an app called HeadSpace, and conversations with my daughter Taylor I “goldberg-ed” that attack in about five minutes.
The cure before required very cool air and standing in rain. Obviously I can’t control the rain, however people usually see clouds over me. So in lieu of meteorological superpowers, I would settle for a cool cloth and high oscillating fan. Some serious square breathing exercises and a seated position with legs out just waiting for the Xanax to kick in.
Now I don’t use the Xanax unless I have to fly. Now I win.
Anxiety is something I’ve written about multiple times and I don’t do it because I want to brag about how I seem to have conquered it, although I did, and I probably am. It’s because in this world of this mental mind grind that takes over a person’s body, sharing what works despite the embarrassment it brings, may be, at some point, worthwhile to someone. And to that end, it’s totally worth it.
It's your instinct to panic. It’s your body saying, “Dude, something’s wrong.” Because your body senses something is wrong. The key is your mind telling the skinny antagonist , “Ok, I see you. State your business before I kick your ass.”
That may seem a bit dramatic, but it’s not. It’s in a round-about way something my daughter has taught me. Accept that it has come to visit, recognize it as something that needs your attention, but your attention in the right way.
Don’t be afraid of anxiety. That statement is absolutely impossible if you’re unfamiliar with it. But getting familiar with it is entirely important. There’s a distant connection here that comes to mind and that’s the old adage, “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”. Anxiety can be seen as the enemy to a day-to-day normalcy, but when it creeps in, acknowledge it for what it is. Here’s what works for me, and this needs to be practiced and almost perfected. But it works for me. I prop myself up slightly in bed and place my hands on my lower abdomen, and then square breathing; five or six seconds in, hold for five or six seconds, exhale through a lazy whistle for five or six seconds, hold for the same five or six seconds. Rinse and repeat. You may have to start with four seconds if you feel like you’re hyperventilating. Believe in it and tell yourself you are exhaling the anxiety. Stay with it. Stay with it like a book you want to read but is starting too slow.
My brother tells me when he gets anxiety, he recites the alphabet backwards and sometimes he gets to A and has to restart, but that works for him. It resets his brain. That’s never worked for me, because I have something that works for me. Experimenting really isn’t my thing.
Anyway, don’t fix anxiety on your own. Get with someone you’re comfortable with. Talk with someone, because it can be scary. Of course you need to get to the root cause of the anxiety and most of us don’t know why it “shows up” when it does. But Saturday morning at 4 a.m. it’s on you, baby. Not the visitor you want at 4 a.m., if anyone wants any visitor at 4 a.m. But I would assume if someone came calling at 4 a.m.- any given morning - you would want them gone as soon as possible.
So with this freak tucked neatly away, I’ll move about my Saturday probably with a putter in my hand at some point, But that’s Beside the Point.
Chuck Vandenberg is editor and co-owner of Pen City Current and can be reached at Charles.V@PenCityCurrent.com.