Getting more and more "vintage"

Someone called me “vintage” the other day.
I got to my truck with a chuckle after leaving the establishment and said that person is gonna get ‘Beside-the-Pointed’.
I was complaining while having a chat with this person about the price of eyeglasses nowadays, and the fact that I suck at male fashion. They go hand in hand, so unfortunately for me, glasses are fashion.
But I just don’t have a sense for it. That’s why most of the time you see me out I’m very casual in my appearance. I’ve had thoughts about getting dressed up, taking a selfie, and sending it out to friends to give me a thumbs up or down. Whack job.
I have yet to do that. It shows a lack of confidence. The casual attire shows more confidence than the man who must have someone sign off on his ‘kit’ for the day.
I even had a friend of the family go with me to pick out my glasses. We tried on like a dozen pairs and, initially, I liked the ones that kinda disappeared on my face. I didn’t love any of them. I didn’t like the fact this was gonna hit the wallet and I really didn’t like the fact that eyeglasses continue to label me as old…or “vintage”.
The irony is as the customer service rep was putting together the way-too-long list of charges associated with these things Ben Franklin invented, I continued to look over the glasses. She had three pairs on the desk already, but we just kept looking and she kept hitting buttons on an adding machine - a sound of which I was keenly aware. Nothing wrong with my hearing.
I kept picking up glass frames and putting them on in front of a mirror. Even I got sick of seeing my face looking back at me. The bags under my eyes stood out from the constant computer and phone work…stress…….life.
And then right in front of me, I found these gold-rimmed round glass frames that were flattened just on the top. They were narrow set, something I didn’t really want because I think it adds about 10 years, but I picked them up and put them on. No nose pads just a metal piece that rests on the bridge. They were as close to spectacles as any glasses I’ve ever had. My great-grandmother wore, and called her glasses, spectacles.
Vintage. And I actually liked them.
Five hundred bucks later, I’m out the door just a little angry at the cost and lack of potency of my vision “insurance” which we all know is just a discount eaten up by markups. While I’m sitting there hearing her continue to tap away on the adding machine and write things on a piece of paper I got hot. To be fair, I did add different glasses, so she had to start over. But when people have control over what I have to spend, I get a little warm. Thank God there was no receipt paper ticking off as she continued to work the machine.
I think I’d prefer that she just pull up a laptop and gently enter the script and add-ons. I’m used to tapping on keyboards, but that damn adding machine is intentional, man. It’s fingernails on the chalkboard… someone slowly breaking up Styrofoam and then rubbing the pieces together. Brutal. The lady doing the tapping had to be picking up on my disheveled aura.
I got up and got out a card and paid for the glasses. I wasn’t unhappy because, for the first time ever in my adulthood, I actually liked my glasses. They said 14 days before they came in and they would call.
Someone then came in who I know and we talked about the glasses and the fact that I think I liked them, but they were pretty damn expensive. They asked what kind and the customer service girl said, “They’re vintage”.
“Well… you’re vintage,” the person said.
My head dropped and I started laughing that this kid just called me old. I turned with a point of my finger to take up the verbal joust but dropped my head again as the room filled with laughter. As they continued to laugh, I walked away. We were laughing, as well, and I committed to outing this conversation. No one gets away with calling me "Vintage"…
Unless you really get the definition of "vintage". “Vintage" can be experienced, prepared, quality, style of the past, classic, and although it still stings to be creeping into the realm of the past, it may not be sooo bad to be considered "vintage".
So thanks for the compliment, dude, and I think the glasses will work out if I don’t lose ‘em. I won’t put them on a string because that would solidify my membership in the red card club. And despite the discounts that come with the red card club, I’d just as soon put that off as long as possible.
In the near future when you see me, yeah, my glasses may look a little Ben Franklin-ish, or maybe John Lennon-ish, but it’s just me - that old guy who writes stuff.
Speaking of getting older, just a little Happy 21st birthday to my nephew Hayden… one of my favorite humans. Uncles are just goofy guys that grew up with one or both of your parents, give bad advice, buy gifts your parents won’t, share cigars, and smile all the time when you’re around. Love ya, kid, but that’s Beside the Point.
Chuck Vandenberg is editor and co-owner of Pen City Current and can be reached at Charles.V@PenCityCurrent.com.