"Warrants" to be issued for OFMP fundraiser

FORT MADISON - Arrest warrants for 83 residents have been completed and will soon be served by special deputies.
Thank goodness this crackdown on crime is all for a good cause, namely for Old Fort Madison Preservation, Inc. (OFMP), the 501©3 nonprofit working to reconstruct the fort replica and build a new Living History Center in Riverview Park.
Seven OFMP deputies wearing a “Special Arresty Person” gold star will be serving the warrants to the 83 “criminals” between March 31 and April 7. Each has been charged with a specific “crime” and are ordered to collect $100 in bail money from friends and family to avoid a lengthy sentence in “the jail,” located in the Amtrak in conjunction with one of the museum’s displays. All bail money goes to OFMP and is to be delivered to the jail between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Thursday, April 16.
Those unable to raise their full bail amount will need to plea for mercy to an OFMP judge on April 16.
These criminals face a long list of unique charges. For example:
• A FMHS football coach is wanted for putting sportsmanship lessons above the score of the game.
• A local historian is wanted for “making overalls fashionable.”
• A consignment shop owner is being charged with “making secondhand first class.”
• An east-end couple is charged with being “the best neighbors ever to their older neighbors and making other residents look bad.”
• A local volunteer is facing several counts of ‘taking the wrong SHIIP.”
• A president of a local nonprofit is charged with the excessive forming of committees.
• A Fort Madison man is wanted for driving around in his red sports car and making the rest of us jealous.
• A local retiree is charged with flaunting Indiana’s football success.
These are just a sample of the many crimes OFMP has discovered among area residents. Know of a person that should be on this list of criminals? Call or text Robin Delaney at 319-470-3642 with the person’s name and his or her “crime.” For a $20 donation to OFMP, a warrant will be served to them, however the person may already be on OFMP’s Most Wanted List. If so, they will have a warrant in their hands by April 7 and will need bail money.