We need those wand things - not MRIs

I’m beginning to think an MRI is in my future.
I hate the thought of that because I’m claustrophobic. I had some back issues a few years ago and a specialist said, “Well, we need to get an MRI.”
I said, “Well, you’ll need an army to get me in there.”
“Oh….you’re one of those.”
“No, I am THE one,” I said.
I’ve overcome a lot of things in my life, including flying. I haven’t really overcome it, I’ve just found ways to help deal with it so I can get to New York City. I still have no desire or excitement when it comes to flying.
I’ve overcome living on my own. I’d never done that until about two years ago and it took some special conversations to get it done.
But walking out to my truck Thursday to head to Coralville and the Iowa Girls High School Athletic Union’s 2025 State Wrestling Tournament, my fit slid quickly on the sidewalk. I had pretreated the walks earlier in the day and it helped a little, but you can see where the chemicals didn’t do their job well enough and the precipitation won the battle of bond-breaking.
During the last icing about three weeks ago, I was on my phone with my daughter and went out to check the walks – barefoot. One step onto the concrete and this 6’2” 242 lb. old man went airborn. I tried to catch myself on the bannister, but no dice due to ice.
The next thing I remember is laying across the step with the phone in a small snow pile standing straight up and my daughter hollering into the phone. “Daaad!”, “Daaaaaaaad!”
When I fall, I have a tendency to just lay there. Make sure nothing’s broken or seized.
That happened once on rollerblades when I did the same acrobatics and landed flat in the middle of 14th Street by the then middle school. Same daughter…same reaction.
“Daaaad!”, “Daaaaa-hahahahahahah-aaaaad!”
“Just let me lay here. I gotta check things out.”
Anytime I get up and walk away, it’s good, but that luck’s gonna run out.
At Iowa City Thursday, I got out of my truck in the spillover parking for the Xtream Arena and had no footing. I parked next to a landscaping pod and jumped up on that for traction.
Nope. Frozen solid and iced over. I grabbed the truck. It was my only chance. I slid back down to the concrete knowing the peril at hand. By the grace of God, I kept my balance.
I shuffled gingerly across the roadways and parking lots to the arena’s south entrance and had to climb a grass hill to get in or walk all the way around to the east side for a sidewalk. I could see the torn muddy grass where other intrepid media types had worked with sherpas to get up the hill.
I imagined me walking into the arena media area covered in mud and wet. I turned sideways as if I was walking with snow shoes on and gently sidestepped up the hill.
My only thought was, I don’t mind crashing and burning, but I hate the thought of having to have an MRI for any damage done. I’m serious when I say, I’d just rather have exploratory surgery. Otherwise, they’re gonna have to knock me out for that tubal.
I’ve heard people say they’ve worn the goggles with movies on them but can’t hear because the banging is so loud. I’ve heard people say they put a cold washcloth on their face. Yeah, I don’t get that one. I’ve heard people use some medications or even lithium. That’d be cool.
Can you see me on lithium stuck in a tube for 20 minutes? Does it keep you from talking? Because I’d be sayin’ some stuff. They’d have to sign a binding non-disclosure agreement.
The point is that I can’t believe I’m at a point in my life where I don’t think sliding 20 feet across the ice is a lot of fun. I was the guy on skis who went looking for others on skis.
I would regularly stand up on the taboggan and ride down the hill until I crashed in the snow. It breaks my heart that the risk of injury outweighs the exhilaration of being an idiot.
And this just happened! I’ve never been cautious in the winter. That’s Iowa, man. Winter was fun and pretty.
Now it’s just dangerous.
And when are we going to invent those blue Star Trek wand things that you just wave over a body on a table and it tells everything that’s wrong with you. Somebody invent that damn thing so I can get back to having fun in the winter – But that’s Beside the Point.
Chuck Vandenberg is editor and co-owner of Pen City Current and can be reached at Charles.V@PenCityCurrent.com.